My Spirited Child

Okay, so since I started this blog early last year, I have spoken quite a bit about myself and D, my first born. Over the course of the past year, as DD has continued to grow and change, it has become more and more obvious to me, leaving no doubts in my mind…

I have another spirited child on my hands.

What are the chances that someone could produce two highly unique, but also highly spirited children? The whole nature vs. nurture debate comes into play here, but in my opinion, it’s a little bit of both.

While DD picks up behavioural traits from my husband and I, as well as her brother, she is her own beautiful soul and has a personality I have yet to come across in another person before.

She has many attributes that inspire (and sometimes even frustrate me):

• bravery
• fearlessness
• stubbornness
• persistence
• determination
• curiosity
• passion
• and I think most importantly, her delight in absolutely everything (except maybe sitting still!)

I never in my wildest dreams thought I could handle having two spirited kids, especially with my own tendencies, but honestly they are so different and their personalities compliment each other’s so well that not only am I excited at this realization, but proud of who they are and who I know they will become. No matter what makes these two little hearts happy, I know they will have great success in life.

Oh, and ps: I had a lovely chat with Dallas’ preschool teacher yesterday and she informed me that he gets rather upset when things don’t go his way or people don’t listen to his ideas, but that he is incredibly bright and eager to learn. Sounds all too familiar!

Recommended Reading

I’ve decided to compile a list of my favourite resources; things that have helped me and continue to inspire me as both a mother and a human being. I have started with a few of my favourite books, and hope to add blogs in the future. Happy reading!

– Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

– The Minds of Boys by Michael Gurian

– Kids Are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso

– The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene

– Redefining Girly by Melissa Atkina Wardy

– Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford

Have you read any of these? What did you think?

Do you have any recommendations for me to check out? I’d love to hear from you!

Balancing Act

Happy New Year!

2014 was my very first full year as a mother of two, and it taught me many things. Like how to cook dinner with one kid on your back and the other one clinging to your leg and that every time your newly potty trained child will have to poop is the exact second after you have sat down to nurse the baby.

All jokes aside, the number one thing I learned, and am still working on daily, is balance.

To start off the new year, I have taken the Hands Free Mama pledge, from the talented and inspiring blogger turned author, Rachel Macy Stafford. The stories she tells of life before her epiphany were all too familiar and I did not want to go any further down that path.

I have always been a bit of an over-scheduler, and to be honest I believe that everything I take on is a part of me and denying that would be stifling my true self. But I don’t want anything to come at the expense of my family. That’s where balance comes into play.

For the past week, I have been rising a full hour before the kids in order to get a few pressing matters out of the way, allowing me to be fully present during breakfast and our entire morning routine. Of course for this to be successful, I have to start going to bed an hour earlier, which I haven’t quite mastered yet.

Some days I could use a nap by lunch time, especially since going back to work a few weeks ago (I’ll blog about that exciting news later in the week), but it’s a small price to pay for the feeling of accomplishment that I get without having to compromise time with my loved ones.

I’ve found that I’ve had to become more organized and more conscious and protective of my spare time (i.e. no getting lost in news feeds or spending 45 minutes trying to find something to watch on Netflix). I realize I need to maximize my free time to include the things I truly value. Some days that might be writing, some days that might just be doing something nice for myself like taking a bath uninterrupted. That and lowering my expectations. This is the year I will let go of mommy guilt for good, slow down and allow myself to fully experience the things that bring me the most joy. It is only then that I can be the wife, mother and woman who I strive to be.

I want to be a hands free mama, but I also want to be fulfilled as a separate entity and I wholeheartedly believe that if you want something bad enough, you will find a way to make it work.

It’s all about balance.

Wordless Wednesday

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 1,500 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 25 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Back to Zero

Inspired by Nurshable‘s posts about not yelling, I am proud to say I made it to Day 9. NINE. For me that is quite a feat. I don’t know if I have mentioned it before, but I have what my husband calls a bit of a tone problem. Even when I am completely calm (albeit passionate about something) it can appear to others as if I am yelling. Like at them.

Over the past nine days, I have been yelled at, I have been stressed, I have been worn out, I have been completely frustrated. But I did not yell.

Until today.

I’m not even exactly sure what set me off, or what made today different, but I felt it coming and I was powerless to stop myself. Of course it only lasted for a short time, as feelings of anger often do, and then the usual rush of guilt set in and I wanted to curl up in a tiny little ball until I disappeared from sight.

But that wouldn’t do anyone any good.

If I have learned anything it’s that all I can do is try again. All I can do is admit I was wrong, apologize and move on.

So here I am. Back to zero. Ready to try again tomorrow.

Happy New Year

“Aprils have never meant much to me, autumns seem that season of beginning, spring…. I thought of the future, and spoke of the past.” — Truman Capote

It came up in conversation the other day about how the first day of fall seems to feel like a natural reset button, as opposed to January 1st. Personally I have always been of this mindset and I start counting down by the middle of July.

Maybe it’s all those years of school that have ingrained it into my head, but every time September rolls around I find myself refreshed. The change in the weather, falling back into a routine, I just feel so inspired. The autumnal equinox is my New Years Day.

I am passionate and focused and I look forward to the future, but I’m also wiser for the lessons these last few months have taught me. I have made many wonderful memories this summer and they will keep me warm through until spring.

Pumpkin spice everything aside, who doesn’t love fall?

My Sonshine

Image courtesy of JennyFig Photography

It’s not very often he sits still long enough to have his picture taken. This one is first on the list to be printed, framed and hung on the wall.

Dwell on Positivity

As a follow up to yesterday’s post, I’d like to share some of the positives in my life right now. The things I’m thankful for. Sometimes we all need a reminder of how good things can be.

D is getting bigger and brighter by the day. The things that he says and the level at which we can converse with him are constantly blowing us away. I am completely envious of his energy, creativity and imagination.

Little DD is a whirlwind of firsts and she can now officially crawl, stand and cruise and she even has one tooth to show for her almost six months of teething. She napped for the first time ever by herself the past two days in a row. PROGRESS! I am beyond grateful because it means I can take time to catch up on things I need to get done and I feel like I am much more able to be the best mom I can be when my own needs are met.

Hubby is busy at work and not home as much as we all would like, but he is working hard to support his family while I get to stay home with the kids, so for that I am eternally grateful.

I am slowly starting to get out of my funk a bit, I think. I have been eating better this week and getting lots of sleep, which makes all the difference for me. I have received a ton of support from friends and family, and one friend in particular has inspired me to follow my dreams instead of settling for what I feel is “safe” (something my husband will tell you he has been advocating for all along, if only I would listen to him… ha!) I really am incredibly lucky to be blessed with such wonderful people surrounding me. Now I just need to work on not being so hard on myself and allowing myself to come first sometimes, without that whole mommy guilt thing getting in the way.

Today I’m in a good place, and that’s a start.

A recent photo taken of us at the beach by the lovely and talented, JennyFig Photography

 

Good Intentions

Did I seriously not even blog in August? I feel like I have been letting my readers down in the past, well, six months I guess. That’s when my posts went from weekly to monthly, or less. In fact, it’s not just my readers I feel like I have been letting down, but also my friends, my family and myself. 

I have always been the type to try to do it all, and it has been causing me some major burnout lately. I have the best of intentions, but that doesn’t always materialize. Instead of getting lots accomplished, I have a lot of half finished, half-assed projects and a whole lot of clutter, both physically and mentally. This has led me down a path that I thought I had managed to escape. But in the past week or so, I have been led to a realization that has been an underlying fear since before I even became a mother.

I think I’m depressed.

Those of you who know me, really know me, know that I have struggled with depression off and on for much of my life. I had a tough upbringing and have always attributed it to that. But this is different. This time I have no real reason to feel this way. I have an incredibly wonderful and supportive husband who not only loves me unconditionally, but somehow manages to make me feel beautiful and appreciated when I feel the least deserving of those things. I have two beautiful babies who bring so much joy to my life. Yes, they challenge me daily, but their sweet dispositions overshadow any grudge I could possibly hold as they move through their soul searching, rebellious, gain independence and show the world (okay, Mom and Dad) who I am and what I want phase. I am proud that I have kickers and screamers and not quiet, obedient puppets who regurgitate rules I have set out for them and only know how to blindly follow, instead of coming to their own conclusions. Yes, I am grateful for this. But yes, it gets exhausting.

I also like to hold my baby, A LOT. We bedshare and she spends the majority of her day attached to me. That also gets exhausting after nine months. Some days I get frustrated when she clings to me. Or that she cries if I put her down, even if it’s only to go pee or get myself a glass of water. Some days I long to put my feet up and read a book and just have no one ask me for anything. And shamefully, some days I don’t deal so well with that frustration. Some days I yell and the second the words are out of my mouth I am consumed with guilt. I feel anxious, irritated, tired, overly emotional, overwhelmed and finding it hard to get much of anything accomplished these days. I have almost completely given up on doing anything for myself. This blog, photography, eating healthy, working out. All things that used to fulfill me, have all gone out the window. Some days it feels like it’s taking every ounce of my energy just to get dressed.

So today I go see my doctor to talk about Postpartum Depression (PPD). Shit, that’s tough to say out loud. There is a wave of guilt that swallows me up whenever I think about it. Don’t I love my babies enough to just forget about feeling stressed? Don’t I know how fucking lucky I am to have them? Aren’t they enough to make me happy? But that’s not how it works.

It’s been tough to admit, both to myself and to all of you. But the reality is, it’s more common than you might think. And I can’t deny it or beat myself up over it any longer. Because ultimately I deserve to be happy and feel like myself again. And they deserve to grow up in a positive environment, with a mother who is happy and patient and caring and doesn’t take out my frustrations on them, their innocent faces looking up at me wondering what they could possibly have down wrong.

Admitting I need help doesn’t make me a bad mother. Continuing to live in denial won’t accomplish anything. It’s nice to have good intentions, but it’s not enough. I want to be the mother and person I know I am deep down. I want it to be easy to be that person again. I want every day to not be a struggle. And I am the only person who can make that happen.